i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
