If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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