my phone needs a breathalizer
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
