also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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