just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
