When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
