I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
