the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
