Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
