it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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