not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
