i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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