Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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