Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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