I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
