I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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