drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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