I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
