he shaved USA in his pubs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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