Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
