I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
