the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
