So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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