it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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