i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i out mim tonsoeep
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
