He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
