His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
