rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
