sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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