i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Welp...herpes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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