Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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