we have pet lesbian snakes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
