ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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