four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
