Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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