I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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