Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
