we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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