Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
