If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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