New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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