I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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