Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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