Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Is it penis luge time yet?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize