why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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