My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
