I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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