his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
