Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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