i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
