PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize