i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
