so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
