I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
